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Oct. 16th, 2011

over burning candle

*sighs*

I don't even know how to act anymore... Everyday is a constant wave of emotions. One minute I'll be content, doing my work and not worrying about anything. Then I'll hear a song, think about something that reminds me of him, and I feel that all to familiar rip in my gut. My eyes fill with tears and I fight back the sudden wave of sorrow that tries to over come me. I'm flooded with waves of memories from the past, both good and bad all with one thing in common. What do I do in these moments? How do I manage to compose myself? Sometimes it's easier than others, ultimately I think, "Its not going to bring him back..."

I hate this new feeling I have within. It's been many years since I've faced death, and last time it wasn't nearly this hard. For almost two weeks I felt the cold grip of depression tightly gripping my throat, not caring about anything but sleep. How does one prepare for this? I'm still trying to decide how to deal. It's all def put everything else in perspective. I know what I want right now, though the few years it'll take me to get there is sketchy. I'm not doing everything I need to do to make sure my goal happens, but slowly thats all falling into place. I'm still trying to decide if what I WANT, is necessarily a smart decision... heh...

Paw paw, I know you're not hurting anymore, but damn it I miss you! I keep thinking about our last night together... The last words I heard you say... Holding your hand as much as I could. I remember when we used to go to the V.O.A. and Red White and Blue when I was younger... everyday was a diff % off and we'd hit senior day every week. I remember when we'd go to Ryan's after church, and sometimes rally's to get a malt. I'm sorry I broke your dryer door, I'll never forget how scared I was to tell you. We never finished that peanut butter bet we made that one time, I'm telling you I can DEF tell the difference between Jiff and the cheap brand, blindfolded or not! Can we just go sit on your swing one more time? I waited for you there as soon as you passed. I'd give anything to walk in and hear, "Desiree, Desiree, 1825 Tulane.." and all the other crazy songs you'd come up with. Please play your ukulele for me one more time? I'm so lost right now, pawpaw. My brain can't fathom that your just not here anymore, I just trick myself into thinking I understand and that I'll see you around the next time I'm in town... But you weren't there last night, and you won't be there anymore. What kills me more, our family is already falling apart. It has been since before you left, but more so now that you're not here. I hope I'm gone by the time Thanksgiving gets here. I can't stand the thought of my first thanksgiving without you, but without so much of our family?! There's so much drama right now pawpaw, that I just don't understand. So much pain caused by members towards members, and this isn't what you taught us. I feel like you were the glue holding us together, and now that you're gone, so is my family. This is all to much for me to handle. Please don't be mad if I leave. I'll visit the kids, they don't deserve what I want to do... but I doubt anyone else will really care, all wrapped up in their own little drama filled lives. Why should they? *sighs* You're not here anymore pawpaw, but there's still gotta be more I can learn from you. I'm still working to make you proud, please don't forget about me, ok? I love you, with a love I have never given to anyone else... Can't wait to see you again!

Feb. 11th, 2011

over burning candle

‎"Killing cells to leave this hell that bitter nostalgia has created.."

Every things just been spinning for days now...
I can't focus on my happy place right now, I see the clowns when I close my eyes...
Man where am I? This is a place I haven't been before. Clawing at the walls, I only feel as if I'm sinking faster.

Oy this pms shit is going to kill me before I die... I can't think straight. I can't be happy. I hate everyone and everything, including myself. The couch has become my friend as well as the blankets that help hide me from the world.

I'm realizing now, why i never tried so hard to be girly.. "where are we getting dressed at tomorrow?"... -____- seriously? we've got to make things THAT complicated?

Ugh, see?! I hate the way I feel right now.

Thinks mayhaps i'll try for sleep. Cant offend anyone there and noone can piss me off... course heartbreak comes from dreams so, damn.. dunno wtf to do

Feb. 8th, 2011

over burning candle

A very uncomfortable evening

"come pick me up tonight.."
I have to work tmw...
"So. I wanna see you. What time do you work?"
(this is one of those, shoulda went with ur gut moments... All day... Is what my gut was saying... -____- pluug says) ill prolly go in around one... (<---yea, plug)
"So come get me, ill spend the night. We can play ps3 and blah blah blah..."
Ill let u kno later, im taking ashley shopping.


And what a night it was! Had fun with ashley! :) nick read me a paragraph :) :3 hes getting so big...

Then i get hit with a dumbass moment and pik him up... (not C) Before we even got to Lsua he was talkin abt how he hadnt gotten any from his girl and he was worried he might be goin back to jail at the end of feb blah blah blah bs bs!! >:-/ "i wonder if im really good in bed or if people just say that... " *thinks are u effing kidding me?* But only physically do i turn up the music. We get home and set up zombies. Played a while and i decided it i wanted a movie. Ya kno it sucks how quickly an asshole can ruin someones confidence! :( i got new pj pants from goodwill. *sighs* kind of excited to see the letter L with no X in front of it. Plus they have lil sheep jumpin over a fence and they were cute damn it! >.< So i was wearing that and a hoodie. EVERYWHERE i went he stared at me. I asked him to stop, demanded it... And he just kept sayin "cant help it :)" -_____- so i sat on the couch and covered up. More inuindos... "i feel like quagmire right now"... Bruh u HAVE a gf!! "Yea but blah blah!!"
-_________-

Ok look dude... Ur making me uncomfortable. STOP!

More i cant help its and bs blah blah bs!

:c

"if i find a job in alexandria can i come stay wit u?"..no!

"oh but blah blah bl..." No!

"well u have that extra room... An ya kno, i miss u..." NO! green is comin to stay with me an.... Im gonna have allie around more...

"well i can stay on the couch.. Or with u :)"
Bruh seriously? No my landlord wont allow it ...

..........
..........
...........
........,..

Hes asleep now :) *sighs* time for a restless sleep... I really hate ppl >:-(

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Jan. 27th, 2011

over burning candle

*sighs*

It feels good to breath :)

Today has been long. Early morning convos that carry on all day had me feeling giddy again...

A tripp this afternoon has kept my head colorful... Music keeps me floating...

Oh dear dad, can you see me now. I am myself like you somehow. I wait up in the dark, for you to speak to me.. I open up, release me...

*sighs* just cuz it feels good.. I'll do it again *sigh*

Jan. 26th, 2011

over burning candle

Good morning...

1/24
"I got my ps3 hooked up and online.. wanna play?"
You really make my fuckin head hurt, bruh...
"O yea how's that?"
It does no good to get into that.. I should be used to it by now..
"?"
*sighs* nothin
"Is somethin botherin ya?"
Ur just a plug.. I have trouble remembering that sometimes.. Dont pay any mind to me...
"K"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1/26
" :( This guy is a plug i gotta work with. he told me yesterday that he had to go to the office this morning and then he shows up at my hotel before I'm even awake. :( I had to rush my coffee and didnt get to walk kiefa but I'm a plug and so is this damn niggro jew... I miss ya dez I regret not doin more with ya when we were there... We never really talked abt wuts on our minds and i kno i'm a plug and I kno we coulda had some really fun times, but again I'm a plug so yup.. Good mornin plug, how ya doin?"


...............heh, you are a plug, and I'm a silly girl.. Dont apologize for things you weren't up to!! I'm sure!?! We DID have fun nights, maybe not like THAT, but I always enjoy when you are around. :) I dont really know what to say, dude. I feel like if I say too much or the wrong thing, your gonna go back in your shell and not talk to me again... Lol. Sorry its just a patter i'm used to. :-/ dont do that plug, tell me whats on your mind. I miss ya too, tho I'm sure thats clear. Just stop ignorin me, huh? That sat before yall left threw me for a loop man! *sighs* ok, see that silly girl comin out? Haha. Hope your day gets better plug, I'm here if ya wanna talk.

"Lol, this damned shell i got is a bitch. I dont know why I'm like this but its always been this way. so yup.. i need to get more comfortable with myself, I'm just shy or somethin. I'm not sure.. lol"

I dont mind the shell always.. Just when I'm stuck outside it. I dont blame you tho. Wish i could build up one that thick sometimes. Ur protecting urself, but you really dont have to try so hard with us, but I guess I understand. Thanks for trying this morning, one step at a time and you'll get more comfy as u try more :)

"I Hope so, I need to be more relaxed about my life, its just like I told ya before.. I dont mess around r anything.. lol. I'm a weird guy..."

I'm SURE!?!?!?!?! You dont have to mess around to come out of your shell!! >.< THATS a GOOD quality to have!! I dig it hardcore ;-p Just open up to those who care and r there for ya.. Lol your "weirdness" keeps me around.. I'd rather put up with u like this than have ya all diff and like all the other guys/ppl out there!!

"Lol, you a plug! Maybe one day I'll be chill, but who knows? I'm starting to talk more, which makes me happier :)"

Mee too fer sure! like i said, one step at a time.. :)

"Pluuuuuuuuug!"

WYD?

"Eatin lunch, abt to head back to the field"

Subway ? :-/

"Tuna from a can! haha, i'm broke till payday :( "

BTW plug, i never told you thanks for the last time you washed my dishes.. haha random i know. I also know all too well the "broke" feeling. Canned tuna aint sushi, but hell its something!

"Ah ok, i enjoyed our times together.. hopefully more better times to come :) "

>_< I sure hopes!! Promise I'll stop bein sooo silleh!! heehee

"Lol.. I need ta stop bein a plug!"

Jan. 19th, 2011

over burning candle

I taste just like candy, so dance with me...

What are you doing? Heh.. Silly doesnt come close to even BEGINNING to explain what your doing.. I think your lost, you have been for a while, and the spiral just seems to get worse and worse.

*sighs* My head is going to be killing me tomorrow...

Somethings gotta give.. It has to be me, it gets harder every time I say this though... I worry sometimes about what I say out loud (to MYSELF and others), I'm my own worst enemy and when I quoted that prophesy, "this is going to be a problem later, i can tell.." I spoke a mouthful!!

Recognition is a good place to start... And I'm there :) How do we eat an elephant? One bite at a time...

Father...
I hate talking to you, now... I'm sorry and You know I dont mean it how it sounds. Just conviction from places I'm not sure of (but certain they cant be from You). I can feel You, very real, when situations approach and You tap me on my shoulder and say, "hey, you dont need to do that, baby..." I listen MOST of the time, as usual... I love that You allow me to make my own mistakes.. then give me something to think about. You've got me hooked, tho I worry constantly why You bother. I've stepped out of reality and I believe its definitely time to come back.. You've given me things to look forward to again and new responsibilities... I'll be swimming up stream, and hope I'm don't let fear or the fact that I'm a mere human get in the way of what you have in store for me. I love that You are in my life, even when I dont make you happy.. You've known since before I was here how my life would go, and still chose to allow me to be born. I'm confident with the things You reveal to me every day in the strange ways that You do, You must truely have something amazing planned... I hope I'm not taking longer than You planned to get there though... I know I can't do this alone, and I know You're going to be there through out the whole thing. I know this is going to be a bitch to over come and I ain't gonna lie, Man I am terrified.. ALREADY doubting my ability to overcome.. You've already started working on this, as I've seen. Fixing relationships and building others stronger... Removing people from my life for a season, in hopes I'll get my head straight for when they return and I start that fight (now refusing the option vs taking it and messing up what I've accomplished thus far) over again... Lord, can you work in their lives also, the people you are removing? I know you intended for us to meet and learn from each other, and I KNOW everything has a season (its always just a season) but NOBODY said it had to be only ONE. I'd like to think we can be where we were beginning of last year, but if its not Your will, I understand. Thank Your for Karen.. She reminds me often that she prayed for me and You led me to her.. I, personally, think You could have picked someone more deserving of such an angel, but who am I to argue? She teaches me so much without realizing it.. I envy her sometimes, but thats silly and You don't like that, sorry. Thank You for bringing her back into my life so much lately, but could You help me understand why? I know all things revealed in time.. But talking these days is so much work for both of us, awkward a lot.. this makes me sad, but I guess thats where life has brought us... I promise I am trying and I really hope I told her what You wanted earlier when she messaged me. She doesnt deserve to be treated like this, however I understand, mayhaps, one of the lessons that needs to be learned here, and I know its NOT just for her (or even mostly!) Anyways, who am I to judge with this 2x4 sticking outta my face? I'm not sure how things will go when I wake up, Lord... I know this is it tho, physically, I CANT take this anymore... I love You. Thank You for everything you do for me daily and the people I meet and talk to. Thank You for sticking with me at the worst possible times.. Its given me a hope I had started to lose...

Jan. 15th, 2011

over burning candle

We r only human

Ya know when ya start thinkong, and it all starts to make sense.... In that sick to your stomach, ignorance is bliss kinda way....

Why do i have to think like i do? I think about my friends and the day to day trials they have... And how crazy diff they r from mine. Why, Lord, did u make my mind like this? Why do u reveal things to me the way u do? Its extremely exhausting :(

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Jan. 2nd, 2011

over burning candle

"The Eve"

The whole day was crazy...

Barrett went super "dad mode" on me and called me freaking out when he found out I was walking to work again. "WTF Dezi?! If you need something like a battery for your car, TELL ME! Or if you need someone to help put one in for you, I have the tools. I cant have you girls WALKING to work. What are you gonna do when the Pineville shop opens? Thats a LITTLE far ta walk..." haha! Nice... A little more bitching when he came and picked me up ("What if you get mugged or raped?! This has got to stop, Dezi!"), and I called Sarah a tattle tail for telling him when I got ta work. :p So she's been picking me up every morning and bring me home when i dont have a ride, guess I'll need to address this issue this week... *Sighs*

The day was slow, counting down the hours til I could escape.. Ended having more people at the house than I originally intended, but it was super cool and everyone got along. This year was weird.. no countdowns, nobody passing out, no "love" in the house at all.. haha! Didnt go to sleep. We all played playstation and cards and yahtzee and scatagories... over and over and over... lol. 6 am, everyone but the usual crowd left. We sat in the kitchen remembering times past of sitting like this chillin... We all missed this, but knew it would never be the same again. Ry and green left an hour before I had to go to work, and Chris shortly after... then it was time to unwind...

HAHA!! NOT! Had time to jump in the shower then call Sarah for work again... I'm quite certain I pissed Barrett off with my first text of the morning, begging to go home, lol! Of course he didnt answer and Thank goodness it was SUPER slow, cuz I fell asleep in between customers a few times. By 6 i couldnt take it and called him. Unfortunatly the few customers we DID have spent lots of money so it LOOKED like we were busy and he asked me to stay til 7 (or til close if it picked up) just to see what we could get. I was doin a jig when 7 came and we had been slow... got home crashed hard and I'm STILL not fully there yet.. Sarah had to wake me up this morning, ten min before open cuz I missed my alarm... Now I'm just kinda on autopilot....

Getting texts I dont understand from people that are more confused than I am abt what they want.. but still not from who I want them to be from. So I'm just chillin... My brains been fuzzy for the past two days, I really dont feel like thinking. More sleep will hopefully fix this, tho thru my own chioces I dont see sleep comin very easy tonight. *sighs* Man somethins gotta give... I feel like I've been burnin that candle at both ends and especially after this weekend, its all catching up to me...

My resolution right now is just to be happy... I cant keep killing myself over a decision I made and want to take back now. I'm not sure exactly how I got to this point anyway, so if its by something other than my brain that got me there, it will continue to grow with little effort on my part. I have slowly started making friends again... letting people in and learning how to keep convo's going and starting them too... I want to continue this. I've starting sinkin back into "recluse Dezi" and I really hate it. I dont want to lose those I've been able to get back from my last recluse stage, and dont want to lose the new ppl who dont know me well enough to realize I'm not TRYING to be a bitch.

Dec. 30th, 2010

over burning candle

(no subject)

Tonight didn't really settle me, or upset me... Maybe I'm numb *shrugs*

My ears feel like they need to pop...

...I'm sorri I made yew cry.. :( What did I say? :/

Man the last few days have just been a whirlwind of anxious, stressy, overthinking, bitchiness.... Today was a little better. Started not so bad... course when your hopes are up for something (even when you KNOW its never going to happen today... or tomorrow), everything is super! Then I went back to sleep... I couldn't take just sitting there waiting for nothing... Woke up bitchy of course. Knew I would, I have for the past 3 days. Only problem today was battery didnt start... again.... :c This only increased said bitchy mood by about a million percent. Called Sarah (poor Sarah.. *sighs*) told her I was walking and I'd be a lil late. I had time to cool off and cry on the way... Work was slow. Had a friend come and talk to me the last hour or so and that helped the time go by and keep me outta my head. :) I really enjoy the little blessings like that...
He showed up at exactly 8 oclock to take me home :) Spent a few hours chillin. Played the game. Watched cartoons :3 Talked... cried... laughed... I dunno wth is going on still, haha! But I said what I needed to say. He finally told me a few things I needed to hear. And now he's gone. So I just kinda walked around the house aimlessly for about ten minutes... Washed stuff that was already clean... Stared at the tv for a few min and now I'm in my room randomly staring off into space waiting for confirmation he made it home ok.

Tomorrow is going to be very interesting. Sarah has invited herself to chill and due to HER recent car issue's, I didnt have the heart to refuse. I'd rather her drink her little trippy drink crap at the house where I can watch her than somewhere with ppl she barely knows who will be drinking and who knows what else.... Plug and Green are bringin gumbo (yummeh). Chris says he may join us, but who knows. Not sure of party favors yet... Sarah wants me to try this drink mix we have at the shop, but thats not mah idea of a good evening... Wonderland on the other hand... its been a while since i've been there :\

Dec. 28th, 2010

over burning candle

dn ǝpıs sıɥʇ

Going to see my lil carebear tmw.. ^_^ I get to giv her the christmas present i got her and see what she has for me. :) cant wait

Xanders passed out.. Keifa got super ticked that i took her spot on the couch and started boxing me and licking me to death... :-p Silly puppies!

I keep runnin my fingers thru my hair and thinkin... Dezi, wtf are u doing?!

And then the song changes...

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